God is using my dreams as a means to change me....

The two weakest parts about me:

1. Money
2. Emotional/relationships

Thankfully, God is taking care of me on the money part as for now after a phased 5 year struggle. I know there will be more struggles coming up and I believe that His grace is sufficient for me. Are you kidding? My Father is the King of kings and He has ownership of the entire universe and more. If I am His son, then how can I be poor?

Last night was the first night that I did not have the privilege to speak to my beloved on the phone for prayer as I went to sleep. Because we both know that we needed time apart to seek God and getting our wounds healed and be fed from our own work for this year (confirmed through Joshua 5) instead of eating manna. God has promised that everything will be beautiful in His time. We unexpectantly met up at the mall last night and enjoyed a brief moment of walking in togetherness. Enjoying a glimpse of the blessings to come and prayed for each other before we went back to our homes. There was peace in my heart. Hmmm, so far so good?

I went back home, feeling free. Enjoy the Lakers game on TNTHD (high definition!!!! Yah!!!)

I slept without tears...

... I woke up confused

I had a dream:

*Disclaimer: Please have patience and read through this carefully. I do have some insights which resolves the dream.

Prelude:
X was a girl that I saw at a few places but have never met nor introduced. I read her blog before and she has viewed my profile on friendster. Other than that, we've never met.

Settings:
Details are getting sketchy now, but it was after a social meeting at church. People have left, only X and I were still at the cafeteria.

D: "Hey, you know..." before I could finish my sentence.
X: "you think I'm a very special girl, don't you?"*
D: ".... yes" continues: "and I'm sorry, I meant as a compliment. And you know I have someone else in my heart."
X: "... yes" and shifts into her signature smile "hey, do you know where I can get this (forgot what type of) drink"
D: "Oh, there's a 7-11 near here that you can get this from. It's just that way." Pointed out and to the left.
X: "Ok, let me see if I can get it."

X went out, after a brief pause, she came back.

X: "I can't seem to locate that 7-11."
D: "Oh" paused... "alright, I'll get it for you, be right back."

------
D: "Ok, here it is. Enjoy." handing the canned drink to X.
X smiled, took the drink, and handed D a letter, also showed D how to open the letter: "Thanks, here's something for you in return."
X: "I also want to let you know that I'm praying for the entire day every Sunday. There's a special couch reserved for me at my church. If you'd like, you are welcome to come pray with me every Sunday. I'll reserve you a couch next to mine."

As D opened the letter, it brought out a song... it was playing a song and a melody that expresses a longing and affection from the singer to a secret admirer.

While the song was playing, X explained to D: "This song shows my heart for you." X draws closer to D. And interestingly, X's face begin to show asymmetry. *

D continues to open the letter, and it read:

"Here's to your breaking up
Here's to our getting together

... and the lyrics of the songs were written below (now lost in memory)

----------- end of the dream

When I woke up. I was really confused. Because this was a girl that I admit is very attractive and I wasn't so sure about where my feelings were at. And just the night before, I was with my beloved. I immediately felt shame and a sense of despair.

And then, I cried out to God: "Lord, what does it mean? Why are you showing me this?" My heart begins to doubt. How can I think about another girl? What would she think of me if she found out? Should I tell her?

Now, I've made up my mind to keep my feelings honest and walk in the light. If I walked in the darkness, then I'm walking in shame. But if I walk in the light, I would have nothing to hide. And I would've left no footholds for the evil one to grab a hold of. So my plans is not to hide this dream from anyone, especially my beloved. (1 John 1:5-7)

I asked God what it means, and suddenly, another realization came upon me as if though God was reminding me: "Didn't I confirm my heart and everything with prayer as well as the WORD of God?" Suddenly, I remember God's confirming Words, and joy was restored in me. No more despair!!! (please see my other entries for the confirmations from God's Word)

* Realizations:
1. God knows my weaknesses, so does Satan. And the evil one is gonna use whatever he can muster to get me to find an easy escape instead of facing my weaknesses and get healed.
Deuteronomy 30:19
"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live."
(Chinese)
Yes, Lord. Today I choose "life," which is Your way to courageously face my past weaknesses so that I may live! I've ran away to easy escapes when I'm emotionally distraught. But today, You've shown me that I can choose You and then I will "live!"

Instead of choosing to find an alternate emotional fixation on X based from the dream. I've decided on choosing God to wait for Him. I know my weaknesses, waiting is an excruciating pain for me on relationships. The devil wanted to offer me an easy way out. But like what James 4:7 said: "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (Chinese)

Hallelujah!!! I shouted out. God is awesome!!!

2. Characters that I need to deal with:
- Be careful of what I see and what I read. Guard my heart above all else. Only the Word of God can heal me and free me.

There's always been a need for me to find validation from others. And it's a great feeling to know that others view me as eloquent. That feeling is even better when the admiration is from a pretty girl. But if I am speaking the Word of God, why am I getting myself exalted? Lord, let me not be like Saul, who needs to glorify himself. Let me be like Your servant, David, who acknowledge You in all he does.

- Be careful of what I say, how I said it, and who I say words to. Even words of encouragement. Because carelessness can result in distorted attention feedback.

My aim is to bring people to God and not to draw attention on myself. You know, getting that recognition feels great because I need it. But I can learn to have my confidence in God. Lord, thank you, now, let me be Your humble servant and not boast about what I know or can say. Everything that I have surely came from Your blessings and all my understandings are Your gifts!

* Interesting things that I later realized:
- X knew what I was gonna say before I finished my sentence. Now, I'm pretty sure she didn't know that. But the evil one does...
- X's face became distorted as she drew close to me. Hmmm, if it's from God, then her image would not be broken. Since we were made in the image of God.
- The letter that X gave me played a sad secular song. The words were not words of blessing but words of curses. This is definitely not from God.

Today's Daily Voice and devotion is on 1 Samuel 16. It talked about an "evil" spirit that will leave Saul when David played the harp. I didn't get to play my guitar today. But I let the worship songs play while I was driving to work. And yes... it was a strengthening experience.

God is certainly doing wonders!