Pride and Corruption

Today's reading is Isaiah 16 following VOH's pace talking about pride and corrutption. Or it should be: why pride leads to corruption. I'm reminded of certain lines from the movie: Fight Club ~ "You're not your apartment, not your Yin-Yang Table. You're not the content of your wallet." Reflecting from 4 years ago. I think God has dealt with much of my pride and is stilling dealing with it. Ever so painfully. I was on the edge... why is that? Because I was walking with God in a very close way 4 years ago. It was a situation where I had not much money left in my bank after I was laid off six months earlier. I learned to rely on God very quickly, almost as if though there were no choices left. And God was gracious and kept me on the edge. It seems to be His way. It was a great way to live. Because I take nothing for granted. Everything is a gift from God. With each passing day, His gifts become bigger, His blessings flowed more, and eventually, I became comfortable, I became fat in my heart, and I became a case of "I think, therefore I am."

There's a thin line between confidence and pride. Somewhere, somehow, I crossed it unknowingly. I think the turning point was when I switch jobs after a completely "live by grace" period of 4 months... that's when God began to tell me that I still need to rely on him and that the relationship that I had with Him has to mature. I was put to the test of being given more resources because of the promise of prosperity on this new career path, and I failed. I was not a good stewart. I stumbled and fall. This was the process that I endured... everyday was not an improvement of the previous. I felt that my life stopped moving. Yet I internalized it in my heart saying that it's ok. In a nutshell description, unknowingly, I left my fellowship, left my church, left my support group, and placed an unbearable burden on my loved one. Eventually, she left too. So I was left with nothing... I was not doing well at my job, but I should. I have the wits, I have the quickness, but my heart was misplaced. Passions cooled and drives lost. My pride had led me to my corrution in my mind. I felt I was dying just a little bit more everyday.

It was when I felt that I had nothing left... I began to turn back to God. If you're familiar with the story of the prodical son... it was exactly how I felt. And God accepted me with his open arms way before I got home. I believe that I'm still walking that journey home, because God came out so out of the way to get me. I'm thankful, but this process will take time...

Pondering for motivation, wondering for direction, and surrendering for full submission. I'm still a ways off to my destination. I should be always seeking, and never relinquishing my confidence in His persistence on getting me to where He will lead me. So many times, my confidence stepped over the line to become pride, but God never gave up on me. And I know He's molding me. Doesn't matter what shape or form I became. Even if I'm completely corrupted, He can re-mix the clay and remold me like a potter would. I only wish that as I walk my journey, I would learn to have less of me and more of Him. Recalling from 4 years ago... it was a great way to live. There's always pain in growth. Sometimes the only way we learn is by recovering from mistakes. Hehe, I think if I've listened and willingly obeyed. I will have been spared of the many pains that I had to endure. The good thing is that God's grace is more than sufficient and His kindness has led me back to him.

Still walking... maybe I'll pick up the pace soon. I am looking forward to the promised land. The land flowing with milk and honey.

Again, to be continued...